here and there, cow country
cow #1
Matthew Calbraith Perry was an American naval officer who commanded ships in several wars, including the War of 1812 and the Mexican-American War. He was a big deal military guy in numerous other conflicts and gained a stellar reputation. Among other accomplishments, he helped to establish the curriculum at the United States Naval Academy and later, with the invention of the steam engine, he modernized the U S Navy and was considered “The Father of the Steam Navy,” a title I’ve always coveted.
And on and on. Perry was a large man, clean shaven and jowly. His eyes were blue.
Matthew Perry the actor also had blue eyes. Matthew Perry and Matthew Perry were not related.
Matthew Perry, the commodore, is the guy who said, “We have met the enemy and they are ours.”
I’m trying to impress upon you that he was an accomplished, adventurous and courageous man. This big thing sticking up in the air is a monument to the admiral.
Note the contrast; Matthew Calbraith Perry, the fearless and heroic, was deathly afraid of cows. He audaciously and fearlessly accomplished many impressive victories but cows just scared the bejeezus out of him. If necessary, he would splash across a muddy road or take his troops around fields the long way if there were any cows nearby.
Cows.
Oh, and Lisa and I know about Perry and the cows because we hiked around Presque Isle State Park, jutting out into Lake Erie, and came upon the monument to Admiral Perry. But no cows.
cow #2
Bovinophobia. Fear of cows.
Cows are very, very large.
Boy cows (bulls) can sometimes weigh in at two tons. In addition to the bovinophobia, a two ton cow may trigger megalophobia, an anxiety disorder involving intense fear of large objects. Such as a two ton cow.
Cows can move fast.
Cows can track you down. A cow can run an average of 17 miles per hour and if properly motivated, can hit up to 25 mph.
You, a human, have an average top speed of 8 – 10 mph. If a cow is chasing you, you’ll have bursts up to 12 mph, or 14-17 mph if you are an athlete.
Can you outrun a cow? Clearly not. But if you can stay ahead of the cow, she will tire before you do. They will run in short bursts but can’t sustain those high speeds.
And just why might a cow start hoofing it? What might properly motivate a cow? If they are startled, if they are happy, or if they are hungry and it’s time for dinner.
My advice is to walk softly if there are startled, happy or hungry cows nearby.
Cows stare.
Could be curiosity, could be hostility.
In general, staring can be creepy. Cows can make it creepier; one cow will stare at you and then another one will stare at you until the whole bunch of them, like cult followers, are staring at you. Worse, you think you are supposed to say something.
“Staring” could be described as “not blinking.” The world record for length of time staring — defined by the absence of blinking — is 57 minutes and 24 seconds. This record was set by a human being. An hour of staring is rather unusual in that we humans are biologically compelled to blink. The cornea, the outer dome of the eye, is quite sensitive. When exposed to the elements, it triggers the blink reflex. You’re supposed to blink. When you blink, your eyelids sweep debris and allergens away and deliver nutrients, and give the cornea a little love in the form of moisture.
This is true for cows as well, but their eyes are not as sensitive as ours and therefore, they look like they are staring at us. Maybe they are. We’re not bad-looking.
Before we leave the topic of staring, let’s list why people stare at you.
1 They think you are hot.
2 They are trying to figure out who the heck you are.
3 They admire you and want to be you.
4 They are judging you.
5 You have something on your face: Sauerkraut, a dollop of whipped cream on the corner of your mouth, spinach between your teeth, a cat.
6 You’ve got style.
7 They want you to know that you’ve got their attention and they want your attention.
8 You are interesting. So is a skywalker or a train wreck.
9 They are actually looking through you. Someone more interesting is standing over your shoulder.
10 Something about you is different from everyone around you. You might be unusually short, or you might be a mermaid. Or you’re just “weird.” Not so bad.
11 You don’t belong.
I’d bet the farm one of these reasons is why cows stare at you.
And speaking about curious animals, who’s the most? You might catch them in a stare.
cats
puppies
monkeys
penguins
giraffes
foxes
dolphins
pigs
crows
Please note how cows are not on this list.
cow #3
Beware of Invisible Cows
James Cook, British explorer, cartographer and naval officer first landed in Hawai’i in 1778.
Ten years later, British Captain George Vancouver brought five cows over and presented them to King Kamehameha I, the first person to rule the eight Hawaiian Islands as one kingdom. Soon after, the King declared the cows to be kapu, off limits, and set them free to roam the island.
Not all the cows were cows. Which is to say, a cow is a female and a bull is the male.
Over the next 20 years, the cows and bulls do what the female and males of a species often do when together, which is to say, make cowlets, and some years later, the herd numbered in the thousands. That’s a lot of cow shtupping.
Massachusetts sailor John Palmer Parker was born in 1790 and 19 years later, jumped ship to visit Hawai’i. He found lots of energetic cows tearing up the hillsides and wreaking havoc on family farms and gardens.
Parker did some work for the king, sailed a bit and came back to settle in Hawai’i where he bought himself a state-of-the-art musket. The King gave Parker exclusive permission to use said musket to shoot those pesky wild cattle and to supply meat and hides for local and foreign consumption.
Hawai’i was good to John Palmer Parker. He became rich and respected and married Keli`ikipikaneokaolohaka, the granddaughter of King Kamehameha I. As a wedding gift, the King bestowed upon them two acres of land on the slopes of Mauna Kea. This is where they built their homestead, later the Parker Ranch.
Over the years, Mr and Mrs Parker expanded the ranch to 130 000 acres with 50 000 cows, just about the largest ranch in the country.
A little about Keli`ikipikaneokaolohaka. How do you whisper sweet nothings in her ear? It could sound like you are choking. But then, look at John Palmer Parker’s face. You will be inspired to say, “Ahh, c’mon, John. Turn that frown upside down.” I mean, why the sour face? You live in Hawai’i and you have cows.
Near the mid-point of east-west Saddle Road, roughly in the middle of the Island of Hawai’i, another road intersects, going north. This is the Mauna Kea Access Road and almost right away you drive over a cattle guard. You have now crossed onto the Parker Ranch.
When this road, the Mauna Kea Access Road, was built, the cows discovered that when the sun went down, the road retained an amount of warmth while the surrounding land cooled down more quickly. Finding the warmth comforting, the cows would gravitate to the road and hunker down.
Unfortunately some nighttime drivers, required by law to use only low beams, wouldn’t see the cows, who were mostly black and brown, and they would crash their cars into the cows. Sometimes after a collision the driver would get out of the vehicle and still couldn’t figure out what they hit.
It’s become a bit of a joke. I have a bumper sticker..
BEWARE OF INVISIBLE COWS
Hanging out by the side of the road one evening, I’m thinking, “Hmm, invisible cows. Really? I don’t see any.”
The fog rolled in. It was udderly quiet.
cow #4
Big Bovine of the Desert
cow #5
Please go to: www.asiwentwalking.com/2024/02/11/flink/