Portland
Maine
August 2016
We are in Portland, Maine, sort of scouting for our next attempt at summiting Mount Katahdin, and getting the poop on what else we might want to do on this trip. We travel to a renovated building housing an upscale winery, a proud brewing company, a performing arts training and performance group, a do-it-yourself pottery studio, a software company and a project that will grow trees in all kinds of bright colors. This is the up and coming creativity and innovation place to be in Portland. Housed in the middle of the block is the International Cryptozoology Museum.
Even scientists need an explanation of cryptozoology. That’s because it is a made-up word. It means, “the study of hidden or unknown animals,” and this International Cryptozoology Museum is the only cryptozoology museum in the world.
Allow me to tell you who is featured within.
. Bigfoot
. the coelacanth
a fish that used to boast 90 species but now only two
. actual hair samples of Abominable Snowmen
. Yowie
also known as quinkin and as joogabinna
. Orang Pendek
which might be a very short person, or a member of the ape family, or a combination of both
. the tale of an alleged Thylacine encounter, which would be a big deal because supposedly they were hunted to extinction, also know as the Tasmanian Tiger even though it’s not a tiger, and the Tasmanian Wolf even though it’s not a wolf
. Esau
a grotesque Sasquatch baby doll
. Napes or Skunk Apes
a lot like Bigfoot but with some differences, nape stands for “North American Ape”
We have specific creatures who have been named for the locales where they don’t exist, such as…
. Nessie
aka the Loch Ness Monster
. the Dover Demon
from Dover, Massachusetts
. the Montauk Monster
from Montauk, New York
. the Jersey Devil
from the Pine Barrens of southern New Jersey, not to be confused with the New Jersey Devils, an ice hockey team from Newark
. Cadborosaurus Willsi
bka the Naden Harbor Caddy from British Columbia
And then there are some… can we call them works of art?
. a full-sized Gigantopithecus which looks like an ape… because it was an ape, but a seriously large one
. a Bigfoot head fabricated by a Hollywood model maker
. a movie prop of a FeeJee Mermaid
about as ugly a creature as you’ll ever see — if this is what the sailors imagined, they would have voluntarily drank ocean water
. a <pterodactyl from the television show Freaky Links
I would tell you more about all these exhibits and the apparently serious mission of museum creator Loren Coleman, but my companions during this visit are humoring me and I don’t want to keep them longer than they deem reasonable, which isn’t very long. If my friends choose to remain ignorant of the other important species who we imagine walk this earth, let them be unenlightened, unsophisticated. I can’t help them.
You, dear reader, on the other hand, have a thirst for an understanding of the meaning of life, you quest for the gestalt, you know the importance of having a sense of Universal cause and effect, you get the big picture.
You know. 42.*
Do you mind if I mention some make believe creatures while I point out that belief in these silly boogiebeings only unfairly serves to impair the credibility of the jackalope, a critter invented by amateur taxidermist brothers Douglas and Ralph Herrick in 1932. We could say they bred the first one, so you know it’s real.
. Sasquatch
Maybe Bigfoot, maybe not. Large, hairy, human-like beasts found almost exclusively in the woods, where Lisa and I like to hike.
. Rug Dog
In the animal as well as human kingdom, the most direct of speakers. Many think him gruff or rude, but that’s only because they are not used to hearing the truth. Rug Dog is one of my personalities.
. centaur
Wild half-man, half-horse creature. Look carefully at the body — needs a chiropractor.
. 50 centaur
Cross between a rapper and a fictitious creature.
. Tatzelwurm
In Alpine folklore, the Tatzelwurm is a stubby, lizard-like creature with a front-end resemblance to a cat and a serpent hind end trailing.
. cyclops
One-eyed giant, fond of eating people.
. the home repair gargoyle
. mermaid
Sea creature, fish on the bottom and all woman on top.
. unicorn
Magical horse with a single horn on its forehead, mostly found in little girls’ bedrooms.
. vampire
Most charming of bloodsuckers.
. werewolf
Human by day, wolf by night. Very inconvenient when undergoing transformation during some social affairs.
. zombie
The living dead, perpetually hungry for human flesh, as if that were possible.
. hippogriff
a legendary animal, part winged griffin and part horse.
. hodag
Green, lizard-like creation, steals golf balls, found in Wisconsin, can only be killed by dynamite, chloroform and lemons.
* If you don’t know the meaning of “42,” you are not quite there yet, your enlightenment is still a ways in the future. For more on “42,” you might want to check in with Douglas Adams. “42” is the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything.
